to much

7:00am last night my sister showed me this cool site and church of steelle looked neat that i would try it out, my boyfriend was sitting in here watching a movie with me at the some time. after we went to bed me and got to talking he is so worried im going to type something in here about him or that im going to say something that will get back to my sister and then she will tell my mom and so on. It drives me crazy him worrying about things that are said who cares, if you want to be about of me, i do feel that my sister and mother should know a few things, like about his mom his past its not that big of a deal. so he is freaking out about that, i thought we had a pretty good day yesterday he was mad at me b/c i wouldnt cluddle with him and watch the movie i got interested in something else i couldnt help it, he was scaring me last night really bad how he was talking he was just like i feel like im playing a game back and forth walking on eggs shells aways worried about stuff that is said, I mean he is good to me he takes care of me i see alot of good and see of course more in him them someone else. I feel im playing a game too i just want for everything to go back the way it did when we lived at the apartment and i had a job. NO job and no money seems to make people crazy and upset all the time. We try not to get stressed and upset but its just hard with the way everything is. I really have enjoied living here its kindof crazy, the things i dont like is i cant walk naked anymore big deal, things arent done my way, stuff all up in my business, the house being crazy out of order(I LIKE ORDER), I WANT A DAMN JOB! Will im a nervous wreak right now with everything my sister wants me to do a pros and cons list for adam and i have before and of course i know more goods then kristi is going to so im not expecting her to get it or mom, and i do love her, i dont remember fighting in mom and dads yard i wished i did. I never hated my sister i always wanted her to accepted me i always wanted to call her sis, she didnt allow me to hug her nothin, i missed her when she wasnt around the house was quiet since she was so much older then me i didnt see her much. I feel now that b/c im the one that is making mistakes like having a boyfriend that didnt grow up like me, is to my sis advance she is able to get close to the folks again and im thrown to the side my mom thinks she has lost me and she hasnt im different yes but i have lived with a guy for 6m and liked it, But i still would like my mom to buy me a pig or two (me and my pigs) there fun, I would love for my mom to call me every now and then and say I love You how is things, I cry everytime i talk to my dad or see him, THis is hard as every right now I was never the one to want a boyfriend or get married i was always scarried that they would be like my dad(that is a story that is for a different day) and guess what adam does some of the things my dad does he dont mean too. And it all started b/c my dad cosigned for me to get my rodeo last yr i was wonderful about making payments and insurance i moved in with my b/f and money was a little tight ive lived with him now for 6m and have made 4 payments my parents have had to do it, and i feel horrible and like a child again. this is how we did it, our rent was 429.00 our bills were about 225.00 just the apartment now CRAZY! we both made pretty good money adam made the bills with his 625.00 check and i paied my truck, insurance and food with my 523.00 check it was hard we did ok and had extra money i lost my job and it was just adams paychecks coming cant do all of that on just one paycheck so stuff started going bye bye, gamesystem, dvds, speakers, anything to pay bills. Adam had a really good job loved it at a oilwell in oct that was making wonderful money that we were looking forward to paying bills off, we lost our apartment b/c of me i decided it would be best just to downsize which that is breaking a lease and belive you me there was alot of stuff wrong with that stupid apartment. We stayed with some good friends of ours b/c we could have our babys life circle around them, that was ok but les started asking for more money then i could do at the time 150.00 a month pulse 150.00 in food so he ask for us to live my heart broke i had no idea what i was going to do so i called adam he was at work but little did i know he got fired so he was on his way home, told him we both just cryed he called his mom something he worse he wouldnt do and didnt want to do and we stayed there for 4 days it was horrible there i was a nervous wreak i called last family member beside the grans and kristi said come on but there is going to be rules, i enjoy two things right now adam and my babys special defnay my dane, kristi dont like her at all and wont let me have her defnay is a specail dog she likes me only, a wonderful dog she dont bite very possive not agressive our little dog is meanner then our big dog so defnay is staying with a friend of mine til i can get a house again b/c she is my life my happines adam knows i love that dog more then him sometimes just kidding (dogs dont talk back) hahaha whatever, so anyways that i have to walk to go see or drive everyday, right now she is the only thing that is going ok halfway i feel complete with back in our family for a few hrs that she is a day, kristi wants me to find her a new home but i cant do that i love that dog way to much i cant even take 2 steps w/o her, she sleeps with me sits in the bathroom with me goes everywhere in the apartment when it was just us she would kick adam off the bed so it could just be me and her hugging. I had pigs like defnay thats funny if adam only would have known me when i had the pigs i was a mess around them and about them shows loved showing made 3rd in state one time that was fun she was in heat too hahaha! help give birth tons of times pulling piglets out now thats nasty, dehorned calfs, deballed calfs, piglets, trained did it all it was the life i thought that was my furture i studied animal science i can tell you just about everything, kristi is right i have never really had friends i have one friend that i will always have i have known her for 7yrs she didnt come from a good family either and my family cant stand her, in school they would judge the shit out of her. I want a stupid job. There are times when me and adam mix like oil and water other times we mix wonderfully and you can see if in our eyes that we do love and care deeply about each other, but the way the family is treating him right now he is just like is this worth all this? But he looks at me and says yes, I understand my mom is trying to protect me and so is kristi but sometimes you have to let me grow up, I have never stand up to my mom dad sister i was always tought i was the child and to keep your mouth shout no matter what. Im to the point now where im ready to start yelling and scarming. And its all over not making a couple of payments. Im SORRY, if i didnt live with adam and was still living w/parents or kristi they wouldnt say shit and des-own me like they have. Over a guy. Im not alive to my dad anymore, my mom wont talk to me w/o being horrible to me, my sister is really doing better then i expect she has her good days and her bad days. adam still is just in his own world worried about everything do have to say we have had some bad fights all of us. Over stupid SHIT! i think sometimes in the back of my head what if but to late now and i aint going to start over no way sorry, I want gas! and job i cant stress that anymore. i have some health problems right now that i really need to go to a doc for but guess what i dont have insurance ive gain some weighed which i hope is just stress, i have a inside problem that will kill just ask kristi, my stomach is real tendar the lower. I need more contact bad i have one set left and there both rights, i like contacts they make me feel better. I have alot of stuff to take care of today i have alot ..... got to wake up kristi 8:25am